A man goes to a support group carrying something he wants to talk about. He listens, recognises parts of himself in someone else’s experience and perhaps finds the words for his own.
Later, at home, another man’s story stays with him.
Men have described this to me independently in therapy. One put it plainly.
“I go in with my own stuff and sometimes leave with more shit on my mind.”
Another described feeling unsure what to do afterwards.
“We’re not shown how to handle another man’s shared problems. I’ve felt unsafe afterwards and besides therapy for my own stuff, I’m not sure how to deal with other people’s issues too.”
These experiences deserve attention alongside the connection and support men can find in groups.
What happens after listening
I value spaces where men can speak openly, meet regularly and support one another. Hearing someone describe a familiar experience can make it easier to begin a conversation of your own. Peer support offers something valuable through shared experience and mutual understanding.
It can also bring you into contact with experiences you feel unprepared to hear.
Perhaps something reminds you of your own past. Perhaps you worry about someone’s safety, wonder whether you should contact him or replay what you could have said differently. If that becomes persistent worry or overthinking, it deserves attention too. You might feel responsible without knowing what that responsibility involves.
The question I keep returning to is whether the man listening has enough guidance about what to do with those feelings afterwards.
The accounts men bring into my room cannot tell us how common this experience is. They do give me reason to ask the question.
Support for the person receiving the story
As a counsellor, I attend clinical supervision. It gives me a structured place to reflect on my work, consider its impact and examine questions about boundaries, responsibility and how I respond. Professional guidance recognises supervision as part of ethical practice and practitioner wellbeing. BACP guidance on supervision
A man attending a peer group may have come primarily for support himself. He may also become someone other men turn to, without having discussed how much he can offer or where to take a concern.
Peer support has its own purpose. Its members deserve clear expectations and support appropriate to that setting.
Mind’s guidance includes looking after yourself within a group, while its peer support toolkit discusses group agreements and boundaries around difficult conversations. These are useful foundations for considering the listener’s experience too. Mind’s guidance on support groups and Mind’s peer support toolkit
Giving yourself somewhere to put it
By “bracketing”, I mean acknowledging what you have heard and finding a way to set it aside for now. You can care about someone while recognising the limits of what you can personally provide. Working out your boundaries can be part of that.
A few questions may help you begin that process.
What am I feeling after hearing this?
Has it brought up something from my own experience?
Have I agreed to help with anything specific?
Is there a concern I need to raise with the facilitator?
What support do I need before returning to my day?
If you leave feeling unsettled, you can tell the facilitator. Ask what the group’s process is for concerns about someone’s safety, contact outside meetings and support after a difficult conversation.
You can describe your own reaction without repeating another man’s private details. In one-to-one counselling, for example, the conversation can focus on your worry, sense of responsibility or difficulty switching off.
A group might also consider a brief closing check-in, clear guidance about seeking help and permission to step outside when needed. Different groups will have different arrangements. Making those arrangements clear helps men understand what is available.
I want men to keep finding connection through peer support. I also want the man who leaves carrying more than he arrived with to feel able to say so.
His experience belongs in the conversation about how we support one another.
If you would like to talk about what you are carrying, you can start with a welcome call.
Did this land?
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