Harmful self-talk and how to challenge your narrative

You make a mistake at work and tell yourself, “I’m useless.” You lose patience with your child and decide, “I’m a terrible dad.” A relationship ends and the story becomes, “Nobody will want me.”

These sentences can feel like facts, especially when you have repeated them for years. But each one turns a particular experience into a judgement about your whole identity. You can take responsibility for what happened without accepting that judgement.

In my work with men, I make room for the words you use about yourself. What you say internally matters alongside what you say out loud.

Notice the sentence

Choose one recent moment rather than trying to examine your entire life. What happened? What did you tell yourself? What did you do next?

Perhaps a colleague questioned your decision. You thought, “Everyone knows I’m out of my depth,” then stayed quiet in the next meeting. Write down the actual words. Look for “always”, “never”, “should” and assumptions about what other people think.

If this overlaps with anxiety and overthinking, notice whether the sentence predicts a future outcome that has not happened.

Separate the event from the verdict

“I missed a deadline” describes an event. “I fail at everything” adds a verdict.

Ask what supports your conclusion and what it leaves out. Have you completed other work reliably? Was the deadline realistic? Is there feedback you can check rather than guess?

Context does not remove responsibility. It helps you identify what needs changing. If you hurt someone, acknowledging the behaviour gives you something specific to address. Condemning your entire character can leave you stuck with shame.

Find words you can believe

You do not have to replace a harsh thought with praise you do not believe.

Try a more accurate sentence. “I missed this deadline. I need to explain what happened and plan the next piece of work differently.” Or, “I shouted at my child. I can apologise and think about what I need to do before I reach that point again.”

Ask how you would respond to a friend in the same circumstances. Would you acknowledge the mistake, then help him work out his next step? Give yourself that same opportunity.

Question the rule underneath

Sometimes the sentence carries a rule. “I should manage everything myself.” “A good father never struggles.” “If someone dislikes me, I have failed.”

Ask where you learned that rule and whether you would choose it now. What does following it cost you? What would a more flexible expectation allow?

If your concerns involve fatherhood, you might replace “I must get everything right” with “I can ask for help and keep learning about my child.”

Put the revised narrative into practice

Choose one small action that fits your fairer account. Ask for clarification, make an apology or take a break before returning to a difficult conversation. Afterwards, record what actually happened rather than judging the exercise only by whether you felt better immediately.

The CBT thought record gives you somewhere to write this down. For more about working on this together, read my self-talk counselling page.

If the criticism keeps returning, you can bring the exact words to a welcome call. I will listen to what they mean to you and discuss whether counselling fits the support you want.

For another way to practise, see the NHS guidance on reframing unhelpful thoughts and using a thought record.