When your inner conversation becomes harsh
Self-talk is the language you use internally to describe yourself and what happens around you. It can help you plan, reflect and make decisions. It can also become a running criticism that treats mistakes as proof of who you are.
You might judge yourself after an argument, compare yourself with other men or assume that asking for help means you have failed. I will ask what this is like for you rather than assume that every man has the same experience.
- Turning one mistake into “I never get anything right.”
- Assuming you know what someone else thinks of you.
- Dismissing something you did well as luck.
- Setting a standard you would not expect another person to meet.
The story and what actually happened
There is a difference between “I lost patience in that conversation” and “I am a bad person.” The first gives us an event to examine. The second can make it harder to see what you can change.
We can look at a recent example, including what happened, what you told yourself, what you felt and what you did next. Your account may contain facts, predictions and rules you have learned about how a man ought to behave.
Ways to challenge your narrative
Choose one thought from a recent situation. Write it in your own words and consider these questions. You do not have to reach a positive conclusion or make yourself feel better immediately.
- What happened, without the judgement about my character?
- What supports this thought, and what relevant information am I leaving out?
- Am I predicting an outcome or assuming what another person thinks?
- What would I say to a friend with the same facts?
- What is a fairer description I can believe?
- What small action would fit that description?
Taking responsibility without attacking yourself
A fairer account still makes room for your part in what happened. “I said something hurtful. I can apologise and consider how to respond differently” is specific enough to act on.
If someone is mistreating you, questioning self-talk does not mean finding a better attitude towards their behaviour. We can distinguish your internal criticism from circumstances that require boundaries, practical support or protection.
How I work with you
My Person-Centred Therapy skills support listening to your experience and understanding what the words mean to you. Where useful, we can use CBT techniques to examine an interpretation, consider alternatives and agree something to try.
We can also explore whose expectations you are measuring yourself against and whether those expectations fit the life you want now. I will not require you to replace a difficult thought with an affirmation you do not believe.
Start with the words you already use
You do not need a clear explanation before contacting me. You can describe a sentence that keeps returning or an occasion when you noticed how harshly you spoke to yourself.
Start with a free welcome call to ask about the work and discuss whether counselling fits the support you want. Phone and video appointments are available across the UK, with in-person appointments in Southport, subject to availability.
Related reading.
Browse all topic guides →Questions worth asking.
Does harmful self-talk mean I have a mental health condition?+
Will you tell me to think positively?+
Can we discuss how I speak to myself after an argument?+
What if I understand the thought is unfair but still believe it?+
Can I try a practical exercise before booking?+
Start with a conversation
Book your welcome call.
Choose a day and time in the calendar below. You can ask me questions about how I work and tell me what you would like support with. There is no obligation to book counselling afterwards.