Relationship counselling
for men

What may be happening

You might be at any point in this. Still in the relationship and wanting it to be different. Deciding. Or separated months or years ago and dealing with what came after. Any of these is a reasonable place to start.

• The same argument repeating, in the same shape, however it starts.
• Not knowing how to say what you need, or saying it in a way that lands badly.
• Withdrawing, going quiet or shutting down when things get difficult.
• Feeling unheard, or feeling that what you say gets heard as something else.
• Boundaries, and what happens when they get crossed.
• Trust, after something has damaged it in either direction.
• Deciding whether to stay or leave.
• Separation or divorce, and the practical and emotional weight of it.
• Contact with a former partner, and what you want that to look like.
• A change in family life, including what your role as a father now looks like.
• Losing confidence, or no longer recognising yourself inside the relationship.
• Anger, anxiety, grief or loneliness that has built up around all of it.

Making sense of what happened

I am not going to start by deciding whose fault it was. I want to understand what happened, what it was like for you, and what has brought you here now.

There may be things you wish you had handled differently. We can look at those honestly - what happened, what you regret, what you meant at the time and what you would want to do differently now. Understanding something is not the same as excusing it.

Some of it may be about what was done to you: harm, rejection, betrayal, control, or being treated in a way you have never said out loud to anyone. That matters here, and it does not become less real because the relationship has ended.

Sometimes two people get caught in the same argument, withdrawal or misunderstanding again and again. We don’t need to work out who the bad one is to understand what keeps happening. We can look at the parts you have some control over without pretending the whole relationship was yours to carry.

You may also feel that you lost yourself inside the relationship - commitments you stopped keeping, standards that slipped, or parts of yourself you don’t recognise. Rebuilding your relationship with yourself can be the most important work you do.

If shame is part of this, we can separate ‘I did something I regret’ from ‘there is something wrong with me’. That can make it easier to look clearly at what happened and decide what you want to do differently.

Where a partner was violent or abusive towards you - physical violence, threats, sexual coercion, control of money, or being monitored, isolated or worn down over time - that is the responsibility of the person who chose it. How you reacted or responded, how long you endured it, or whether you named it as abuse doesn’t change that.

Abuse can leave you doubting your own judgement - wondering whether you read things wrongly, whether you are allowed to want something different, or whether you still recognise yourself. Rebuilding trust in yourself can be part of the work, whether the relationship has ended or not and whether you are ready to call what happened abuse.

If you are in immediate danger, call 999. The Men's Advice Line on 0808 801 0327 gives free, confidential advice to men experiencing domestic abuse.

Support for men experiencing partner abuse

How I work

My foundation is person-centred therapy. The work starts from your account of what is happening, not from a method I have decided on in advance.

Where it helps, CBT can give us a structured way to look at the thoughts, assumptions and habits that keep showing up, and whether there is another response you want to try.

Focused Acceptance and Commitment Therapy can help when difficult thoughts or feelings keep pulling you into the same struggle. We can notice what is showing up, get clearer about what matters and work out what you want to do next.

Restorative Practice gives us another way to look at what happened, what people needed, what the effects have been and whether there is anything you want to repair or do differently.

These are not stages you work through in order. We work out together what is useful, and you decide what fits and what you want to do with it.

Read about my counselling approaches

Repair, rebuild or move forward

Sometimes the work is about repairing a relationship. Sometimes it is about understanding why it ended and rebuilding what comes next.

Repair is not guaranteed and it is not the measure of whether counselling worked. Repair does not require contact, reconciliation, apology or forgiveness.

I will not tell you whether to stay, leave or try again. We can slow things down enough to understand what you need, what has happened between you and what you actually want before you make that decision.

If the relationship ends, or repair is not what you want, the work can turn towards what comes next - what you want your life to look like, what you want to leave behind and what you want to carry forward.

What this is not

This is individual counselling for you. It is not couples counselling, and I do not work with you and your partner together. It is not mediation and it is not legal advice.

Decisions about children, finances, property or legal arrangements need the relevant professional. I can help you think about what you want and how to say it; I cannot advise you on what the law will do.

Appointments

Start with a free welcome call to discuss what has brought you here and ask questions about working together. We agree appointments separately, subject to availability.

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